Headlines

These have been making the rounds on the Net (some of them are old), but they're funny enough that I thought I'd post for those who haven't seen them. I took out a couple. Even some of the ones I left in are a bit crass... but then, they're funny too!

For the record, if police are arresting folks with crack between their buttocks, I had to shower at the gym after playing basketball yesterday, and I'm here to tell you: there are A LOT of criminals down there! Hope you enjoyed these! If there are any "Headlines" you think are funny and are willing to share, post them in the comments. Please and thanks!

How Do the Presents Get There?

You're all probably well aware of the physics to debunk Santa Claus. If not, here's one of many links to what was originally a cynic's argument to do just that, with quite a few rebuttals from physicists, engineers, mathematicians, and other folks that likely did not want the lump o' coal in their stocking. I'm not going to print all the rebuttals (although a couple of them warrant perusement), but I will print the original assertions below.

1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.

3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west(which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc. This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison- this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as space crafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greaterthan gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim)would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.

Now, not sludging into much of the fallacious reasoning asserted in this argument (i.e. flying reindeer only being credited with pulling 10 times the amount of non-talking, non-flying reindeer [HUH???], the incredibly high [these days] amount of children on the "naughty list", omitting elvin assistance [and all that implies], etc.), any essay containing both the words "Santa" and "joules" -- although "Santa" and "payload" deserves it's due credit -- within should be summarily dismissed. Has no one learned the folly of the Burgermeister Meisterburger and the distribution of Christmas toys?

Flying reindeer, dragging what must be an incredibly gargantuan sleigh, that somehow avoid all the anti-aircraft, fighter jets, ground-to-air missles that have to come along with the job in this Call of Duty Modern Warfare Age; magical, toy-making elves (and "toy-making" is a loose term that denotes all the modern techno gadgetry in which these sprites have quite possibly led the Technological Age) that abide in a sub-zero degree climate and darkness most of the year; a crystal ball that illuminates the activities of roughly 2.9 billion children twenty-four hours a day, seven-days a week, 364 days a year not including Christmas - and 365 on Leap Years; ten zillion presents a year both packed and taken out in a logical child-by-child order starting at the first house in Japan (according to the NORAD tracker) to the last house in Hawaii, including automobiles for sixteen year olds, weights and benches for athletes, pre-assembled drum sets, bikes, toy trains, etc., that are somehow encased (and rarely broken) in an unbreakable burlap sack that miraculously stays in an uncovered sleigh going near or at the speed of light; a five hundred lb., one-thousand year old Kringle that spryly slides down and nimbly clambers back up chimneys with the greatest of speed, agility, and ease (or slips in windows when chimneys are not of avail) all while lugging a bag many times the size of himself, not to mention the fact that he's been a pipe smoker for all these years without a hint of lung problems; treating peoples to aforementioned presents on six continents not including islands nor scientists holed up in Antartica...

...I mean, what's not to believe here? I believe.

So to all you cynics, skeptics, and pseudo-scientists that try to debunk what happens every December 24th like clockwork, I pose the question used in the title of this post. If my mom and dad don't put them there -- and they don't -- and I don't put them there, then how...?

Going to Nashville for the Dolphins / Titans Game on Sunday

VERSUS


















I'm for the Dolphins! How about you?

Yo Quiero Taco Bell - Folk Style

Got an e-mail from Doug with this link. Thought I'd share the humor:



Muchas gracias, DugALug!

Go Ode Yourself

Let's see if I have this correctly. The last post crafted up by the Diabolical Genius sounded something a little, a little something, almost exactamentally, close to word-for-word, and something a lot like this. It reads similarly to this:

Where, O where, has my little Rich gone,
Where, O where, can he be,
Not in the parlor, not on the lawn,
Not in the loo to wee.
Poor Richard does not an almanac write,
Young Dick, he nevermore posts,
No clacking of keys and no scrawl of the pen.
The virus has swallowed his byte,
The Trojan has given the Realm up to ghosts,
But the worm cannot shut up ol’ Ken.

Is anyone else catching the irony here? "Irony" is a big word and sometimes misunderstood. Let me e'splain. By my count, since this frolicking, self-serving little poetic injustice here, sixteen posts, including this one, have been penned by the the selfsame victim of this verse. The sum total written at the hand of the author of this "Ode to a Madman" post is a grand, whopping total of negative one (plus one). Zero.

Again, back to the irony. The DG scribes: But the worm cannot shut up ol' Ken.

Apparently, something other than a worm has busted ol' Ken in the proverbial chops. And just on a little bit different tack, all the "Young Dick", "wee" and "Trojan" references...

...please Kenneth. This is a family blog. And we're children's book writers.

Back on point, where is this Lord-O'-Limerick now? Where can be found the Viceroy of Verse? The Sultan of the Sonnet? Or should I say, the Queen of the Quatraine?

Anyhow, I love the irony. Don't you?

Silent Monks Singing Halleluia Chorus

Let's start off the Advent Season here at the blog with this YouTube. A good friend sent it to me, and it's worth a look:



Whattaya think?

Christmas is coming!!!

Post D v. G

The David versus Goliath analogy is used by millions nowadays, both in Western and Eastern civilization as well as in the North and South, too. Anytime one supposedly great force challenges a lesser force, the "David versus Goliath" phrase is invoked. Obviously, as a Christian, I understand that David won that mano-a-mano duel due to the power of the Lord God of Hosts, and really any of David victories both before and after he became "King David" were also due to his Lord's empowering him and his missions. All that is true and is well to be remembered.

From a more sociological point of view, I'm wondering just how much of a mismatch this confrontation really was. Goliath was the Philistine champion, and with that title, it must be assumed that he had won his share of clashes with other men, specifically, other warriors. On the other hand, the boy, David, had for his part taken out wolves, lions, and bears with his sling, and I'm not so sure how well Goliath would have done in a cage match with one of those beasts. When Vegas was figuring the odds of the David v. Goliath head-to-head grudge match, would the odds really have been as astronomically overwhelming in Goliath's favor as we tend to suggest? Certainly, the Hebrew warriors and David's own brothers didn't give him much of a shot, but I think we've got to give it up to Saul. He must have seen something in David. According to conventional knowledge, here was the King of Israel sending what was little more than "a mere child" out to apparent suicide, and not only that, he was staking the fate of his own army on the lad. If that was really the case, Saul was one of the worst leaders in the history of mankind. He had to have seen something in David, and if so, was the outcome as surprising as the legend has become?

We all know the story. David won.

To further my point, though, this most notable victory wasn't David's only victory. No. This victory was merely the beginning of a string of military victories and conquerings throughout his life. Many, many, many. Obviously, he had his troubles, too. Saul tried to kill him. His own son tried to kill him. But David is remembered far more for his victories, starting with Goliath and then going on from there, than he is for his troubles, militarily-speaking.

And in other news, the friendly, little Miami Dolphins play the big, bad, NFL monster that is the New Orleans Saints this coming weekend...

Favorite Sports Rivalries

I'm still on Cloud Nine after the fabulous Monday Night Football game between my Miami Dolphins and the dreaded, evil-incarnate, trash-talking New York Jets. Score one for the good guys as the Fins took their first of two meetings this year 31-27.

As football rivalries go, for me, it doesn't get any better than the Dolphins/Jets... and I live in Alabama, and am an Auburn University grad and fan, and here you hear about the Iron Bowl rivalry 365 days a year -- and I'm not joking about that. I know most people in Alabama that root for one of the two schools, well, there's nothing that compares to Auburn versus Alabama (I'm fairly sure, if Alabama fans read what I just wrote, it might stick in their craw a bit that I listed Auburn first just now -- that's how bad it is). I can't downplay the rivalry here because it's like nothing I've ever seen. However, I have a lot of friends that are Alabama fans, and I enjoy them a lot. We give each other hard times, but most of it is in good fun. On the other hand, I don't have any, that I know of, friends that are New York Jet fans. So I don't look at them in the same way -- there are no "real people" that cheer for the New York Jets, only automaton spawn that spew the "J-E-T-S, Jets, Jets, Jets" mantra and infiltrate football stadiums, perpetrating heinous acts. Call me crazy, but since I let myself see it that way, then, the New York Jets... with their blowhard coach, their irritating chant, their sore-loser players (save Kris Jenkins, who manned-up after the loss), their big city media that follows them, and, as of right now, their 3-2 record, which is a game ahead of my team's... well, they're just sort of this nebulous evil entity that my Dolphin-fan-guts-and-insides just wants to rail against so as to champion the triumph of justice, decency, and valor everywhere over the insidious evil that flows out of the Empire State in the form of the New York football Jets.

Okay, okay, I'm just kidding. Sort of.

I could spend hours and pages writing about the intricacies of Monday's game... but that's not really Realm material. Plus, I do that with my dad and brother.

However, since it is what's on my mind, I decided to ask you guys:

What are your favorite sports rivalries? What makes them special to you? I know there are some good ones, and some that are longstanding. Red Sox/Yankees. Cubs/Cardinals. USC/UCLA. Army/Navy. Cowboys/Redskins. Bears/Packers. Celtics/Lakers. Rangers/Islanders. Sampras/Agassi. Ali/Frazier. And that's just touching the tip of the iceberg. Let's hear some good ones.

Pick a Picture for Rich

Bottom line: Rich needs a user profile picture.

But knowing him like I do, I know that he won't ever get around to actually choosing one. And he certainly wouldn't want to use an actual photo of himself. That's just our lovable Mr. Pearce.

So, we need to help him.

Your mission is straight-forward. Below you will find five potential user profile pictures. Rank them from Most Rich to Least Rich.

Then, I've got the dubious task of hand-holding and cajoling to get him to upload it onto his profile.

Good luck to all of us. It's a worthwhile cause.

a)

b)

c) d) e)

The Greenhouse Effect

Why does The Realm of Possibility look like it just got peed on by a deranged leprechaun?

SOMEBODY TURN IT OFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!!!

[Please, please, please don't tell me this nightmare is spinning off from Ken's multi-colored iris post. See what kind of nonsense happens when people start encouraging him by commenting carte blanche on some of his lamer posts. Let this be a lesson to anyone and everyone who starts feeling the pity. This happens! Let's nip it in the bud before it gets out of hand. Puh-leeeeaze!!!]

Today Is the Greatest...

...Day I've Ever Known.

Because today, I'm not going to have a single thought. Last night, after analyzing all the hows and whys and whichevers of what makes a good blog post, I've decided that today I'm not going to think at all... instead, I'm going to write to the lowest common denominator. I'm writing a post about Dancing With the Network Stars.

(KNOCK. KNOCK.)

("what's that Mom?" "just Dancing with the Stars?" "no, I'm sure I have it right." "mom, please, can I have some peace here in your basement?")

Sorry, er, that was the plumb... er, repair man. Leaky drain pipe. Now, what was I saying. Oh, yeah, the Dancing Stars.

The show that forced my Miami Dolphins to trade Jason Taylor (pictured above to the right), a certain Dolphin Ring-of-Famer and borderline guy for the NFL Hall of Fame. Jason Taylor came in second, or so I hear, on the show, which, as is well-chronicled here in The Realm, is the first place loser! Notwithstanding the 1-15 season we endured two years ago, we Miami Dolphin fans don't accept losing. So, yes, we shipped him off to the Washington Redskins. At least we received a pair of draft choices for him from the 'Skins. And with those draft choices, I think we got Tom Delay and a bag of nickels. I don't have high hopes for DeLay, here. But if he doesn't pull out a first, we'll be trading him this year... probably for a couple of old-time James Bonds if we can manage, Roger Moore or Tim Dalton. If we can't get that, maybe an old Jacques Cousteau? Peter Sellers or David Niven...

(KNOCK. KNOCK.)

("what's is it now, Mother?" "what? Niven and Sellers passed away some time ago?" "no, I'm sure that's not right." "seriously, Mom, I'm in the middle of something crucial here, and plus, I don't want people knowing that I'm, you know, here... thank you")

Okay, maybe we'll just get some actor who played in the movie, Murder by Death.

Anyway, getting back on track, Dances with Stars -- let's take a look at the players, dancers, I mean, and I think it's pretty evident that we can go ahead and say who's going to win the whole kit-and-kaboodle, shindiggin' jamboree.

Let's start with the aforementioned Tom DeLay. I think we all know by now that Democrats are just cooler than Republicans. The secret is, for the men, they wear boxers, not briefs. Far more comfortable for dancing. Not that I know, but I just think it's self-evident. As for the Republicans, who is the last Republican that could dance? Orrin Hatch? I don't think so. DeLay is out.

Kelly Osbourne. I just don't see it in the cards. It's genetics. Now, if we were having a Bite the Head Off a Bat with the Stars, I'm thinking she'd have a leg up. Dancing? Not so much.

Who in the name of all that is Hollywood is Mark Dacascos? Can the network afford for the Chairman of the Iron Chef to win? In other words, are you watching the show all the way through if Mark Dacascos is the favorite?

(KNOCK. KNOCK.)

("Mom, please." "Mark Dacascos is a good-looking hunk? does anyone in the 21st century use the word hunk, ma?" "no, I'm sure they don't" "okay, okay, I'll say it if you leave me alone.")

Um, this guy Dacascos, I think he's got a shot.

I saw Macy Gray dance when she was singing in Spider-Man, right before the Green Goblin flew in stealing her limelight. The look she had on her face at that point tells me all I need to know. She'll be okay, but she certainly won't have enough.

Chuck Liddell. Wimp.

Isn't Melissa Joan Hart the chick that does the interviews with Joan Rivers on the red carpet? I might have that mixed up. However, if those two are friends, I'm thinking a lot of plastic surgery. And I just can't help but think that doesn't translate into good dancing. Think about Stiffler's mother in The Cinderella Story movie, where she was always getting botox. You think she could dance? Well, then, how could Melissa Joan?

And then there's Louie Vito, the snowboarder. You know what? I think he can probably dance. But the guy's 5'5" - at least I saw that somewhere, probably wikipedia, so I've got it backed up. Is America, a land rife with heightism, ready for a guy that short to win it's premiere dancing competition? Would Herve Villech... um, Tattoo from Fantasy Island have won a subjective dancing contest? Methinks not.

How about Natalie Coughlin? She's cute, a swimmer, so you know she's down for the training involved for all the dance routines. She reminds me of Kathy Ireland, who would certainly be someone people would want to see in a contest like this.

(KNOCK. KNOCK.)
("sigh. Mom, what?" "Kathy Ireland's in Dancing with Stars this year?" "no, they wouldn't. are you sure?" "thanks for letting me know, mommie")

Natalie's out.

Back in the '70s, when the Jackson 5 and The Osmonds were competing like they were on a dance contest show, Donnie Osmond could dance. Let's face it, he's a little bit rock 'n roll. Sitting around the $25,000 Pyramid, however, is no way to keep in dance shape. Twenty years later, could he possibly be better? No.

Speaking of let's face it. Joanna Kruppa is in the final three right now. For any guy that's watching the show -- I hate to say we're that shallow, but, and I can't emphasize this enough, we are -- she's a draw. Like they say in the NCAAs, the real BIG DANCE, she'll be a tough out.

On one of my birthdays years ago at my office, all the girls at work put up pictures of all the NSYNC, Brittany Spears, Backstreet Boys, 99 Degrees, all those acts all around my office with a boom box pounding out some manufactured manure from one of those acts, because they knew how much I hated them. I remember there was a picture of Aaron Carter. He must have been in the embryonic stage then. But there he was on my wall. On general principle, he's a goner.

Entourage is all the rage. And I've never seen a show. I really wouldn't know Debi Mazar from Little Debbie. And I'm sure I like Little Debbie's food better. While I shouldn't count out a person just because I don't know who they are, in this case, I don't know what else to do. Sorry, Debi. Good luck with Entourage.

(KNOCK. KNOCK.)
("I'm almost out, Mom, can it wait?" "no, Mom, Entourage is not one of those filthy shows on Cinemax. It's on HBO." "no, I'm sure it's fine for kids. Kevin Dillon is in it. Remember him from that movie Heaven Help Us. He was hilarious as Rooney. Yeah, Andrew McCarthy was in it, too. That was a great movie for kids, right?" "ouch! ouch! Mom get outta here.")

The token NFL castoff for the show this year is Michael Irvin. Haven't we been here before with Emmitt Smith? Now, I'm not saying Michael can't dance. He was in South Florida, for crying out loud, and they dance there in Coconut Grove and South Beach. And I'm sure in some of the Dallas clubs, Michael was shakin' it. But I can't get past this one thing. Unless Michael Irvin shaves off that cheesy mustache, he has no hope. Image is everything in this one. Michael is a no-go.

Ashley Hamilton is the son George Hamilton, who as we know was Zorro the Gay Blade as well as Count Vladimir Dracula in Love at First Bite, where, he liked the night life, he liked to boogie, on the disco heiiiii-iiiiiiiights, oh yeah. Also, he was Evel Knievel in Evel Knievel back in '71. Using the same logic as we did with Kelly Osbourne, Ashley's got a chance.

Also with a good chance is Mya, since Mya is a dancer and R&B Singer. If life were fair, she should and would win. Life's not fair. She won't. It'll be an upset, but she won't.

Kathy Ireland. Supermodel. Supermother. Model-turned-mogul: furniture queen and clothing empress. Superactre... uh, just actress. Author. And World Champion of Battle of the Network Stars. I mean, Dancing with the Stars. She's your winner. Write it down.

(KNOCK. KNOCK.)

("Mom, I've told you for the last time?" "what? no, I don't know any Chuck Lidde... Chuck! oh hey, Chuck! love your work..." "no, no way. I would never. Never call you a wimp. Ever." "no! Mom! I didn't say that." "no, Chuck, I'm begging. Please! Ooowwww! Aiiieeee! Arrrrrrrgggggggh!" CRAAAAASSSSH!!!)

[Service announcement from blogger: We apologize for technical difficulties here at this blog site, but The Realm of Possibility has been closed until further notice until Rich comes out of his coma.]

Your Worst Inhibitions Tend to PSYCH You Out in the End

One day and counting! TOMORROW 10:00 p.m., 9:00 CST, Psych, Season 4, begins. I'll make these short and sweet -- my Top 10 reasons Psych is my favorite TV show:


10) Great episode names: Granted this isn't a real reason to watch the show, but if you have the DVDs and see the episode names, sort of like Seinfeld, you can relate to them by name because they stick out --

Tuesday the 17th
Black and Tan: A Crime of Fashion
Gus Walks into a Bank
There's Something about Mira
Shawn (and Gus) of the Dead
Spellingg Bee
Scary Sherry: Bianca's Toast

Because of this familiarity, they touch a little closer to home when you're laughing about them with friends.

9) Corbin Bernsen works as Shawn's dad. The obsessive cop who trained his son to be hyper-observant and let Shawn live with all his misconceptions of his parents' divorce so not to soil his thoughts of his mother - this has led to a rocky yet touching relationship between the pair that grows as the serial comedy goes along. A great side story.

8) Rewatchability of the episodes. I've got all three seasons on DVD, and there's no episode I wouldn't watch and laugh at a second, third, and fourth time.

7) The scenes where Shawn and Gus run away chicken. About two or three times each season, something happens that scares the pants off of our two heroes, and they just take off running. Those scenes are so laugh out loud funny, I almost wish there were more. But that would spoil it and make them predictable. It's great how it is.

6) Maggie Lawson as Juliet O'Hara - She wasn't in the pilot episode, but bringing her on was a stroke of genius. She's cute, perky, just believable enough in a cop role, and perfect for Shawn's love interest.

5) And since I've brought up Jules, the new twist that brought Rachael Leigh Cook in as Shawn's old flame, Abigail - the one that got away in high school - has made for a really good love triangle. I hope the show continues this for a little while. The sub-plot of Shawn and Jules attraction has been well played, and this little addition makes a nice turn. We'll see how it goes, but I'm looking forward to it.

4) The show doesn't take itself too seriously. This is pretty much true of all the USA shows, and that's probably a reason I like nearly every show. Monk's my least favorite, but it started in the right vein of not trying to be a hard-boiled cop show. Some of the characters are caricatures (like Lassie in Psych), but eventually they show human sides. Burn Notice and Royal Pains also do a very good job of this, and they're even more serious shows. I think In Plain Sight is the one that takes itself the most seriously, and it doesn't totally, but because of that, I think it suffers. Psych doesn't at all. It's not supposed to be reality, but you can suspend your belief because it works well enough as a dramedy and the fringe benefits are fantastic.

3) My kids love it. Now, not everything in every episode is kid-friendly, and sometimes I have to pause the DVD episodes and fast forward because of some innuendoes or a little too much kissing or spending the night. However, most episodes are pretty family-friendly, at least for a watcher like me.

2) All the 80s and pop culture references. The show is so loaded with them, it's hard to pick any out without just overflowing. The new commercial where the lady asks Shawn if he believes in Karma is a perfect example. Shawn's witty reply: "Of course, I do. I'm a Karma Chameleon." And Gus chips in with, "We come and go." I think my favorite might have been in Tuesday the 17th, which was an excellent spoof on the horror movies in the Friday the 13th genre, where Shawn, who was jealous of Gus' relationship as a kid with Joey Cunningham and now they're grown, states, "My least favorite tag team of all team." And Clive, a camp counselor, retorts, "Really, with the Iron Shiek and Nikolai Volkov on the table." (Those were pro wrestler villians, if you didn't know.) Not missing a beat, Shawn remarks, "You came up with that reference? Wow!" It's chalk full of these sorts of references, and they.are.hilarious.

1) The relationship, repoire, and banter between Shawn and Gus. I haven't seen better chemistry between two actors in any show... ever. They are hilarious together, touching sometimes, meaningful at others, you know they love each other as friends, and they work together on their cases so well. These are the roles James Roday and Dule' Hill will be remembered for forever. And that's gonna be a GREAT legacy for the two of them.

Psych is awesome!!! I love it! Watch it tomorrow! Is there anything else I can say?

Laugh Out Loud Movie Lines

Give me any laugh out loud movie or TV lines you can think up off the top of your head... or if any come to you later. Some of my favs:

1) Several in The Princess Bride
-- "Why are you smiling, then?" "I am not left-handed."
-- "You think you're smart?" "Let me put it to you this way... ever heard of Aristotle, Socrates, Plato?" "Yes." "Morons."
-- "My name in Inigo Montoya. You killed my father, now prepare to die." "Would you stop saying that?"
-- "What about the ROUSes?" "Rodents of unusual size? I don't believe they exist." CRASH!

2) In Planes, Trains, and Automobiles: "Those aren't pillows!"

3) A Fish Called Wanda, "Oh no! It's K-K-K-Ken c-c-coming to k-k-kill me."

4) Lots from Monty Python and the Holy Grail but I'll just list three
-- "One, two, five! No three!"
-- "Bravely bold Sir Robin rode forth from Camelot. He was not afraid to die, oh brave Sir Robin. He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways, brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin. He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp, or to have his eyes gouged out, and his elbows broken. To have his kneecaps split, and his body burned away, and his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin. His head smashed in and heart cut out, and his liver removed, and his bowels unplugged, and his nostrils raped and his bottom burned off and his penis... " "That's, uh, that's enough music for now, lads... looks like there's dirty work afoot."
-- "You only killed the bride's father, you know." "Well, I didn't mean to." "Didn't mean to? You put your sword right through his head." "Oh dear... is he all right?"

5) And then, this isn't a line from a movie, but it's a line from my younger of two sons that I had taken to Iron Man on the first day it opened with a packed theater. You might remember when Tony Stark starts a back and forth convo with the gorgeous reporter from Vanity Fair magazine. Next thing you know, they're rolling in the sack. Anyway, my son, Davis, seven at the time, yells out in the theater, "Dad, what are they doing?!" And the theater had been quiet, like it gets when folks are making out and about to do the deed. A bunch of folks around us just broke out laughing. All I said, which brought even more laughs, was "Wrestling, Davis! Now close your eyes!"

Okay, your turn!

More Birthday Fun at L-Squared's Work

Over at Laura Leigh's blog, she had this post of what two of her co-workers did for a another guy at her work's 30th birthday. How supercool is this (see picture on right and/or go to link)?

Those white Styrofoam cups were filled with water, and that guy had to dump out so many of them just to get to his chair in the office. This had to take some hours of work to create, and a lot of time to take down as well.

LL's Useless Info Tuesdays filled with fun trivia are always great, too. Here and here are examples. Buuuuuuuut with the goods, there's always the bads. And these are just plain evil. Mayonaisse 1 and Mayonnaisse 2. How the most abominable substance in this and the forty-seven closest galaxies in the universe of which we're aware, designed to weed out, addict, and ultimately annihilate the majority of humanity and any other unsuspecting lifeforms that are seduced by the noxious atrocity, make it onto a nice blog like Laura Leigh's, I'll never know. As Popeye the Sailor Man puts it so perfectly, "Disgustipating!" I'd much have tasted the fig newtons she wrote about here even if they were dated 24 Nov 1888. Nonetheless, check out her blog. Just run from the mayo parts.

Also, as long as we're jonesing for more birthday festivities (because Brett turned 40!!!), what are some of the biggest and best birthday pranks you've ever seen or of which you've been a part?

Church Bulletin Humor

Received a list of these "actual" church bulletin or service announcement gaffes in an e-mail from a friend in our writer's critique group not long ago. While I'm never sure how much exactly is true on lists like these over the Net, I did think quite a few of them were funny.

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
----------------------------------------------------------
Ladies, don' t forget the rummage sale. It' s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
----------------------------------------------------------
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.
----------------------------------------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
---------------------------------------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
---------------------------------------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
---- ---- --------------------------------------------------
For those of you who have children and don' t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
-------------------- --------------------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
----------------------------------------------------------
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: 'Break Forth Into Joy.'
---------------------------------------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
---------------------------------------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
------------------------------ ----- ---------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ' What Is Hell? ' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
---------------------------------------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
---------------------------------------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
---------------------------------------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
---------------------------------------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
------ -------------------------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
-----------------------------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
----------------------------------------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
---------------------------------------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
--------------------------- -------------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
-------------------------------- ------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
---------------------------------------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare' s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
----------------------------------------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
----------------------------------------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church' s new tithing campaign slogan: Last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours'

Sorry if you've seen these before -- I'm usually the last to know.

Comments on the New Poll

If you haven't noticed, or just as likely, you're venturing into The Realm of Possibility for the first time (and if you're reading this post, WHAT A WAY TO START!!! I might add), our own Diabolical Genius, the author of fine, eclectic, and dare, I add, ingenious posts such as Poopy Doopy (post repealed and deleted), the Poopy Doopy Retraction, and Waterless Toilets among several others of similar quality, has laid out a new poll at the bottom of this page.

While these aforementioned posts are just the veritable tip o' the iceberg, as it were, in touching upon his undeniable aptitude, the poll he's constructed below involves just as much sagacity in aiding us build a more creative and engaging environment here at The Realm as those imaginative posts.

Not to intrude upon the brilliance of one such as he, but I did notice a few omissions in the poll I thought at least a trifle notable. Begging his pardon, I wished to use this post space to add those specific lapses:

When I visit the Realm, I'd like to see more...

• Posts about TV Shows and Movies


• Discussions/photos about the A-to-Z details of Ken in infancy through his toddler years


• Discussions/photos telling and illustrating the wonder years of Ken


• Discussions/photos regarding Ken's adolescent history and high school sports achievements


• Discussions/photos on Ken's rise to young adulthood including embarrassing collegiate and fanciful nuptial pictures


• Discussions/photos having to do with Ken's jobs since graduation


• Discussions/photos of Ken in the writing process, attending literary conferences, speaking at school engagements and other venues, etc.

Due to the poll's oversight, for which both of us apologize in hindsight, if you do wish for The Realm of Possibility to include one or more of the missing bullets listed above, please check "Other" in the poll, and then use the comments under this post to include which of the neglections you'd like to see here in The Realm of Possibility.

As always, we thank you for your patronage.

P.S. If you clicked the box regarding "Recipes", while I cannot speak for my counterpart, please allow me to say that what posts you'll receive there from me shall be 101 Ways to Fry Bacon and to Toast Toast and... that's about it.

All the same, if you have recipes you'd like to share, please e-mail them to realmsubmissions@gmail.com, as you would any post you'd like to extend to The Realm's audience. And perhaps, I don't know this to be true, but the chance exists, that perhaps, Ken has recipes.

Again, many thanks.

Happy 40th Birthday Brett!!!

Wanted to wish my brother and semi-regular commenter, under Codename: Anonymous but actual name, Brett, an extraordinary and very Happy 40th Birthday this July 27!!! This is a day early, but it's the weekend, and I may not have a chance to get a brotherly loving, heart-touching post out tomorrow, so I wanted to say Happy Birthday today. The Big 4-0!!! How does it feel man?

For your viewing pleasure, I've linked a list of other folks who share July 27th as their birthdays right here. Some of these people are famous and then, to be truthful, some not-so-famous. Ahem, anyway, I see that you share this special day with other notables such as... whoa! Here's a big one:

Alex Rodriguez - almost certainly a HOF MLB shortstop, except there's that one little... errrr, ummm, didn't he date Madonna?

Hey! Here's another:

Gary Gygax!!! Co-creator of the famous Dungeons and Dragons game!

Bobbie Gentry, Irv Cross, Peggy Fleming... it's a virtual who's who of the celebrity A-list. Except, who's Jason Buck, the defensive end for the World League of American Football Scottish Claymores? How does one such as he make such a high-brow list? Go figure.

Would it make you feel better to know that Juliana Hatfield, Pete Yorn, Bill Engvall, Norman Lear, and Shea Hillenbrand also share your birthday. And famous wrestler Triple H not only shares your birthday, but he also shares your July 27, 1969 birthdate! Wow! I know you're proud about that!

And there's no reason to feel old, of course, because 40's the new 13. Check this out!

Within a couple of years, Jennifer Garner will be making a sequel called 13 Going on 40! You know it's on the come.

And, then, as I know you're very well aware, it's never reeeeeeally a happy 40th birthday without some eerie and profoundly disturbing picture of a malevolent and maniacal clown with a meat cleaver buried in a birthday cake. Those kind of pictures just make the day what it is. And that is, very special.

A VERY, VERY HAPPY 40th BIRTHDAY, BRETT, with all well wishes and hopes for a solid 40 more from The Realm of Possibility!

Mark My Words

Whenever Ken decides it's time for him to condescend back into The Realm of Possibility, you can be absolutely, 100%, can't miss type-of-sure, that he's going to make some sort of remark about how while he steps away from the blog for a mere few days, how the whole kit and kaboodle descends into posts of famine and war, tragic arrests, depressing song lyrics, laments for days going and gone by... dreariness.

He may well be right, the buzzard... but mark my words.

(Ed note: The Diabolical Genius knows all and sees all. And he's watching you Richard, watching you. BWOHAHAHA!!)

Bent Notice

Now, see, here we go. My favorite show on TV, and here goes the lead actor, Jeffrey Donovan, getting arrested on suspicion of driving under the influence of alcohol, failing a sobriety test, and taking a mug shot that makes him look like just received his burn notice. Wasn't all too long ago that 24 was my favorite show, and it was Keifer Sutherland with the mug shot. Whew, good thing sports stars, rock musicians, and politicians are my role models rather than Hollywood actors.

Anyhoo, hopefully, it's not going to happen with my other favorite show. I'd hate to have to see the mug shots of these guys half-sloshed:





Anyway, my dad sent me the "Booze Notice" e-mail, and his one-liner was kind of classic:

Spies aren't supposed to get caught.