Tuesday, August 04, 2009

Laugh Out Loud Movie Lines

Give me any laugh out loud movie or TV lines you can think up off the top of your head... or if any come to you later. Some of my favs:

1) Several in The Princess Bride
-- "Why are you smiling, then?" "I am not left-handed."
-- "You think you're smart?" "Let me put it to you this way... ever heard of Aristotle, Socrates, Plato?" "Yes." "Morons."
-- "My name in Inigo Montoya. You killed my father, now prepare to die." "Would you stop saying that?"
-- "What about the ROUSes?" "Rodents of unusual size? I don't believe they exist." CRASH!

2) In Planes, Trains, and Automobiles: "Those aren't pillows!"

3) A Fish Called Wanda, "Oh no! It's K-K-K-Ken c-c-coming to k-k-kill me."

4) Lots from Monty Python and the Holy Grail but I'll just list three
-- "One, two, five! No three!"
-- "Bravely bold Sir Robin rode forth from Camelot. He was not afraid to die, oh brave Sir Robin. He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways, brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin. He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp, or to have his eyes gouged out, and his elbows broken. To have his kneecaps split, and his body burned away, and his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin. His head smashed in and heart cut out, and his liver removed, and his bowels unplugged, and his nostrils raped and his bottom burned off and his penis... " "That's, uh, that's enough music for now, lads... looks like there's dirty work afoot."
-- "You only killed the bride's father, you know." "Well, I didn't mean to." "Didn't mean to? You put your sword right through his head." "Oh dear... is he all right?"

5) And then, this isn't a line from a movie, but it's a line from my younger of two sons that I had taken to Iron Man on the first day it opened with a packed theater. You might remember when Tony Stark starts a back and forth convo with the gorgeous reporter from Vanity Fair magazine. Next thing you know, they're rolling in the sack. Anyway, my son, Davis, seven at the time, yells out in the theater, "Dad, what are they doing?!" And the theater had been quiet, like it gets when folks are making out and about to do the deed. A bunch of folks around us just broke out laughing. All I said, which brought even more laughs, was "Wrestling, Davis! Now close your eyes!"

Okay, your turn!


Rich said...

A few from TV:

1) From All in the Family, a lady tells Archie Bunker, "My father had a word for men like you." "Yeah? What was that?" asks Archie. "Meathead." Archie stands there mortified, saying, "What did you say?" and Michael (Meathead) answers, "Meathead, Arch. It means dead from the neck up."

2) Seinfeld -- "My mother caught me." "'Caught' you? Doing what?" "You know. I was alone..." -- "...my mother had a Glamour magazine, and I started leafing though it." "Glamour?"/ "Do women know about shrinkage?" "What do you mean? Like Laundry?" "No." "Like when a man goes swimming. Afterwards..." "It shrinks?" "Like a frightened turtle." / and so many others.

3) From Psych:

Gus: These hands aren't touching anybody. I only use these hands to touch myself... let me rephrase that.
Shawn: Please stop speaking. And no more fist bumps for the rest of the day.
Shawn: You two are officially my least favorite tag team of all time!
Clive: Really? With Iron Sheik and Nicholai Volkoff on the table?
Shawn: Wow! You just made THAT reference!
Shawn: There is no way that I'm showing you what's in this folder.
Henry: You're lucky I'm even asking you, Shawn. I could do this the simple way. I could grab it from you, clean up any evidence of a struggle before you and your little friend here knew what hit ya.
Shawn: Some states, that's called child abuse.
Gus: I think all of them.

Funniest and hippest show on television right now.

DugALug said...

Ruthless People: "Only one of the stupidest people on the planet...", awkward pause as she is looking at her accomplice, "I need to see what is on that tape right now!"

Uncle Buck: "Can I show you my hatchet collection? Oh I keep these things really sharp: sharp enough to circumcise a gnat... or a bug. You know what I mean, Bug? But I wouldn't kill anyone though... just maim them. Maybe a kneecap here or shoulder blade there."

Say Anything (the non-comedy): "So if you guys know everything there is to know about women, why are you all sitting here at the Gas and Sip on a Saturday night without any?", awkward silence, "By choice! Man!... Yeah By choice!"

Dumb and Dumber: "Where are ya from?", "Austria", "Oh! Good Day Mate! How about a little shrimp on the barbie?"

Tombstone: The Earp men break into a brothel. Wyat "Don't anyone move!"... Doc "No ladies! By all means move!"

There are so many more. This is a couple that come to mind.

God Bless

Anonymous said...

I think the line that made me laugh hardest in a movie theater was one from Raising Arizona. A masked Nic Cage is robbing a convenience store and the clerk, and older and apparently fairly simple gentleman, says helpfully:

"Son, you got a panty on your head."


Rich said...

This is going back aways, but in the campy, first Superman, the one with Christopher Reeves in the lead, where Lex Luthor, as played by Gene Hackman, is looking at his new California and talking to Ms. Tessbacher (Valerie Perrine) and Otis (Ned Beatty) , and he sees a city on the map that's not Lextown or Luthorsville or one of those. He glares at his rotund co-hort, and reprimands:


"It's just a little town, Mr. Luthor," Otis replies. "Even Ms. Tessbacher got one named after her..."


I bursted out laughing.

Diabolical Genius said...

Better Off Dead: "That's a shame when people be throwin' away a perfectly good white boy like that."

The Office-Michael Scott:

"Abraham Lincoln once said that 'If you're a racist, I will attack you with the North,' and these are the principles I carry with me in the workplace."

"Society teaches us that, having feelings and crying is bad and wrong. Well, that's baloney, because grief isn't wrong. There's such a thing as good grief. Just ask Charlie Brown."

"Happy birthday Jesus. Sorry your party's so lame."

Christmas Vacation-Clark Griswold: "Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead?"

Austin Powers:

Dr. Evil: Scott, I want you to meet daddy's nemesis, Austin Powers
Scott Evil: What? Are you feeding him? Why don't you just kill him?
Dr. Evil: I have an even better idea. I'm going to place him in an easily escapable situation involving an overly elaborate and exotic death. All right guard, begin the unnecessarily slow-moving dipping mechanism.
Scott Evil: Wait, aren't you even going to watch them? They could get away!
Dr. Evil: No no no, I'm going to leave them alone and not actually witness them dying, I'm just gonna assume it all went to plan.

The Big Bang Theory-Sheldon: "Every Saturday since we’ve lived in this apartment, I have awakened at 6:15, poured myself a bowl of cereal, added a quarter-cup of 2% milk, sat on this end of this couch, turned on BBC America, and watched Doctor Who."

Sheldon: It must be an emergency; everyone at the university knows that I eat my breakfast at 8 and move my bowels at 8:20
Leonard: Yes, how did we live before Twitter?

Diabolical Genius said...

Forgot these from Spinal Tap:

Nigel Tufnel: The numbers all go to eleven. Look, right across the board, eleven, eleven, eleven and...
Marty DiBergi: Oh, I see. And most amps go up to ten?
Nigel Tufnel: Exactly.
Marty DiBergi: Does that mean it's louder? Is it any louder?
Nigel Tufnel: Well, it's one louder, isn't it? It's not ten. You see, most blokes, you know, will be playing at ten. You're on ten here, all the way up, all the way up, all the way up, you're on ten on your guitar. Where can you go from there? Where?
Marty DiBergi: I don't know.
Nigel Tufnel: Nowhere. Exactly. What we do is, if we need that extra push over the cliff, you know what we do?
Marty DiBergi: Put it up to eleven.
Nigel Tufnel: Eleven. Exactly. One louder.
Marty DiBergi: Why don't you just make ten louder and make ten be the top number and make that a little louder?
Nigel Tufnel: [pause] These go to eleven.

And one more that I've added to the main page sidebar.

Rich said...

A ton from The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad!:

Frank: It's the same old story. Boy finds girl, boy loses girl, girl finds boy, boy forgets girl, boy remembers girl, girls dies in a tragic blimp accident over the Orange Bowl on New Year's Day.

Jane: Goodyear?

Frank: No, the worst.
Frank: Wilma, I promise you; whatever scum did this, not one man on this force will rest one minute until he's behind bars. Now, let's grab a bite to eat.
Mrs. Nordberg: Oh, my poor Nordberg! He was such a good man, Frank. He never wanted to hurt anyone. Who would do such a thing?

Frank: It's hard to tell. A gang of thugs, a blackmailer, an angry husband, a gay lover...
Frank: A good cop - needlessly cut down by some cowardly hoodlums.

Ed: That's no way for a man to die.

Frank: No... you're right, Ed. A parachute not opening... that's a way to die. Getting caught in the gears of a combine... having your nuts bit off by a Laplander, that's the way I wanna go!

Wilma Nordberg: Oh... Frank. This is terrible!

Ed: Don't you worry, Wilma. Your husband is going to be alright. Don't you worry about anything. Just think positive. Never let a doubt enter your mind.

Frank: He's right, Wilma. But I wouldn't wait until the last minute to fill out those organ donor cards.

Ed: What I'm trying to say is that, Wilma, as soon as Nordberg is better, he's welcome back at Police Squad.

Frank: ...Unless he's a drooling vegetable. But I think that's only common sense.
And my favorite from the movie:

Mayor: Now Drebin, I don't want any trouble like you had on the South Side last year, that's my policy.

Frank: Well, when I see five weirdos, dressed in togas, stabbing a man in the middle of the park in full view of a hundred people, I shoot the bastards, that's *my* policy!

Mayor: That was a Shakespeare-In-The-Park production of 'Julius Caesar,' you moron! You killed five actors! Good ones!

DugALug said...

Three Amigos:

"Do you know about foreplay?"
"Good! Neither does he."


"Yes! He is IN - Famous. It means that he is a very popular fellow"


I have put many beautiful pinatas in the storeroom, each of them filled with little suprises.

Many pinatas?

Oh yes, many!

Would you say I have a plethora of pinatas?

A what?

A *plethora*.

Oh yes, you have a plethora.

Jefe, what is a plethora?

Why, El Guapo?

Well, you told me I have a plethora. And I just would like to know if you know what a plethora is. I would not like to think that a person would tell someone he has a plethora, and then find out that that person has *no idea* what it means to have a plethora.

Forgive me, El Guapo. I know that I, Jefe, do not have your superior intellect and education. But could it be that once again, you are angry at something else, and are looking to take it out on me?

Raising Arizona:
"Mr. Arizona?! Is there any truth to the fact that someone saw aliens come in the night and abduct your child?!"

"Now son?! Don't go writing anything like that in your newspaper. If my wife wakes up and reads that, she will give up all hope!"


Biology and the prejudices of others conspired to keep us childless.


Oh Brother Where Art Thou:

"Do not seek the treasure!"

"We thought you was turned into a toad!"....

"Do not seek the treasure!"


"I've counted to three!"


Deceitful, two-faced she-woman. Never trust a female Delmar, remember that one simple precept and your time with me will not have been ill spent.

Ok, Everett.

Hit by a train! Truth means nothing to a woman, Delmar. Triumph of the subjective. You ever been with a woman?

Well, I... I... I gotta get the family farm back before I can start thinking about that.

That's right, if then. Believe me Delmar, woman is the most fiendish instrument of torture ever devised to bedevil the days of man.