Today Is the Greatest...

...Day I've Ever Known.

Because today, I'm not going to have a single thought. Last night, after analyzing all the hows and whys and whichevers of what makes a good blog post, I've decided that today I'm not going to think at all... instead, I'm going to write to the lowest common denominator. I'm writing a post about Dancing With the Network Stars.

(KNOCK. KNOCK.)

("what's that Mom?" "just Dancing with the Stars?" "no, I'm sure I have it right." "mom, please, can I have some peace here in your basement?")

Sorry, er, that was the plumb... er, repair man. Leaky drain pipe. Now, what was I saying. Oh, yeah, the Dancing Stars.

The show that forced my Miami Dolphins to trade Jason Taylor (pictured above to the right), a certain Dolphin Ring-of-Famer and borderline guy for the NFL Hall of Fame. Jason Taylor came in second, or so I hear, on the show, which, as is well-chronicled here in The Realm, is the first place loser! Notwithstanding the 1-15 season we endured two years ago, we Miami Dolphin fans don't accept losing. So, yes, we shipped him off to the Washington Redskins. At least we received a pair of draft choices for him from the 'Skins. And with those draft choices, I think we got Tom Delay and a bag of nickels. I don't have high hopes for DeLay, here. But if he doesn't pull out a first, we'll be trading him this year... probably for a couple of old-time James Bonds if we can manage, Roger Moore or Tim Dalton. If we can't get that, maybe an old Jacques Cousteau? Peter Sellers or David Niven...

(KNOCK. KNOCK.)

("what's is it now, Mother?" "what? Niven and Sellers passed away some time ago?" "no, I'm sure that's not right." "seriously, Mom, I'm in the middle of something crucial here, and plus, I don't want people knowing that I'm, you know, here... thank you")

Okay, maybe we'll just get some actor who played in the movie, Murder by Death.

Anyway, getting back on track, Dances with Stars -- let's take a look at the players, dancers, I mean, and I think it's pretty evident that we can go ahead and say who's going to win the whole kit-and-kaboodle, shindiggin' jamboree.

Let's start with the aforementioned Tom DeLay. I think we all know by now that Democrats are just cooler than Republicans. The secret is, for the men, they wear boxers, not briefs. Far more comfortable for dancing. Not that I know, but I just think it's self-evident. As for the Republicans, who is the last Republican that could dance? Orrin Hatch? I don't think so. DeLay is out.

Kelly Osbourne. I just don't see it in the cards. It's genetics. Now, if we were having a Bite the Head Off a Bat with the Stars, I'm thinking she'd have a leg up. Dancing? Not so much.

Who in the name of all that is Hollywood is Mark Dacascos? Can the network afford for the Chairman of the Iron Chef to win? In other words, are you watching the show all the way through if Mark Dacascos is the favorite?

(KNOCK. KNOCK.)

("Mom, please." "Mark Dacascos is a good-looking hunk? does anyone in the 21st century use the word hunk, ma?" "no, I'm sure they don't" "okay, okay, I'll say it if you leave me alone.")

Um, this guy Dacascos, I think he's got a shot.

I saw Macy Gray dance when she was singing in Spider-Man, right before the Green Goblin flew in stealing her limelight. The look she had on her face at that point tells me all I need to know. She'll be okay, but she certainly won't have enough.

Chuck Liddell. Wimp.

Isn't Melissa Joan Hart the chick that does the interviews with Joan Rivers on the red carpet? I might have that mixed up. However, if those two are friends, I'm thinking a lot of plastic surgery. And I just can't help but think that doesn't translate into good dancing. Think about Stiffler's mother in The Cinderella Story movie, where she was always getting botox. You think she could dance? Well, then, how could Melissa Joan?

And then there's Louie Vito, the snowboarder. You know what? I think he can probably dance. But the guy's 5'5" - at least I saw that somewhere, probably wikipedia, so I've got it backed up. Is America, a land rife with heightism, ready for a guy that short to win it's premiere dancing competition? Would Herve Villech... um, Tattoo from Fantasy Island have won a subjective dancing contest? Methinks not.

How about Natalie Coughlin? She's cute, a swimmer, so you know she's down for the training involved for all the dance routines. She reminds me of Kathy Ireland, who would certainly be someone people would want to see in a contest like this.

(KNOCK. KNOCK.)
("sigh. Mom, what?" "Kathy Ireland's in Dancing with Stars this year?" "no, they wouldn't. are you sure?" "thanks for letting me know, mommie")

Natalie's out.

Back in the '70s, when the Jackson 5 and The Osmonds were competing like they were on a dance contest show, Donnie Osmond could dance. Let's face it, he's a little bit rock 'n roll. Sitting around the $25,000 Pyramid, however, is no way to keep in dance shape. Twenty years later, could he possibly be better? No.

Speaking of let's face it. Joanna Kruppa is in the final three right now. For any guy that's watching the show -- I hate to say we're that shallow, but, and I can't emphasize this enough, we are -- she's a draw. Like they say in the NCAAs, the real BIG DANCE, she'll be a tough out.

On one of my birthdays years ago at my office, all the girls at work put up pictures of all the NSYNC, Brittany Spears, Backstreet Boys, 99 Degrees, all those acts all around my office with a boom box pounding out some manufactured manure from one of those acts, because they knew how much I hated them. I remember there was a picture of Aaron Carter. He must have been in the embryonic stage then. But there he was on my wall. On general principle, he's a goner.

Entourage is all the rage. And I've never seen a show. I really wouldn't know Debi Mazar from Little Debbie. And I'm sure I like Little Debbie's food better. While I shouldn't count out a person just because I don't know who they are, in this case, I don't know what else to do. Sorry, Debi. Good luck with Entourage.

(KNOCK. KNOCK.)
("I'm almost out, Mom, can it wait?" "no, Mom, Entourage is not one of those filthy shows on Cinemax. It's on HBO." "no, I'm sure it's fine for kids. Kevin Dillon is in it. Remember him from that movie Heaven Help Us. He was hilarious as Rooney. Yeah, Andrew McCarthy was in it, too. That was a great movie for kids, right?" "ouch! ouch! Mom get outta here.")

The token NFL castoff for the show this year is Michael Irvin. Haven't we been here before with Emmitt Smith? Now, I'm not saying Michael can't dance. He was in South Florida, for crying out loud, and they dance there in Coconut Grove and South Beach. And I'm sure in some of the Dallas clubs, Michael was shakin' it. But I can't get past this one thing. Unless Michael Irvin shaves off that cheesy mustache, he has no hope. Image is everything in this one. Michael is a no-go.

Ashley Hamilton is the son George Hamilton, who as we know was Zorro the Gay Blade as well as Count Vladimir Dracula in Love at First Bite, where, he liked the night life, he liked to boogie, on the disco heiiiii-iiiiiiiights, oh yeah. Also, he was Evel Knievel in Evel Knievel back in '71. Using the same logic as we did with Kelly Osbourne, Ashley's got a chance.

Also with a good chance is Mya, since Mya is a dancer and R&B Singer. If life were fair, she should and would win. Life's not fair. She won't. It'll be an upset, but she won't.

Kathy Ireland. Supermodel. Supermother. Model-turned-mogul: furniture queen and clothing empress. Superactre... uh, just actress. Author. And World Champion of Battle of the Network Stars. I mean, Dancing with the Stars. She's your winner. Write it down.

(KNOCK. KNOCK.)

("Mom, I've told you for the last time?" "what? no, I don't know any Chuck Lidde... Chuck! oh hey, Chuck! love your work..." "no, no way. I would never. Never call you a wimp. Ever." "no! Mom! I didn't say that." "no, Chuck, I'm begging. Please! Ooowwww! Aiiieeee! Arrrrrrrgggggggh!" CRAAAAASSSSH!!!)

[Service announcement from blogger: We apologize for technical difficulties here at this blog site, but The Realm of Possibility has been closed until further notice until Rich comes out of his coma.]