Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Dear Santa

It's been a banner year at the Pearce household, and as usual, I'm expecting my regular boatload of presents. Now, the reason I'm actually writing this year is that I've heard more than just a few people questioning my behavior as less than somewhat stellar, so I wanted to set the record straight.

First, my family. Okay, Santa, we've had that deal ever since I got married, you know, that my wife and I became one. That means: all the insults, bites, and any cursing at her or of her is really like I'm saying it to or about myself. Obviously, none of that counts toward your naughty list. Getting to the kids, I know I put them off a lot, but it's always for a good reason, or at least for a reason, which is better'n most kids get. Not to mention I send them off to play in the nicest way I can. I'm good like that, Saint Nick. Oh, about the punishments I dish out before I cool down, you could say they're hasty, buuuuut you can't say I didn't have a reason. As a parent, administering justice is just part of the business. Then, there's my own parents, brother, and sister -- I may hardly ever write or call them, but they know I love them anyway, so there you go.

Second, the neighbors. I know I haven't been very friendly to them this year, but at the same time, I haven't been unfriendly, have I? Let's face it, though. Their kids are a pain, whenever you get too close they start asking for favors they never expect to repay, some of them don't meet up to the high Christian standards we've set --- therefore, as I learned from Bambi so long ago, "If you can't say something nice, avoid them like the plague as long as you can."

Oh yeah, the church. Almost forgot that one. I've skipped a lot this year, I know. And if I prepare at all for the Sunday Schoolers' lessons I read, well, then hey, I'll do your job this year. But at least they've got somebody, right? As for acting like Jesus to others, I think we all have to face the fact that nobody's perfect, but seriously, I still believe in Him, so I've got the important stuff down, don't I?

Now, how about we get to the important things like my accomplishments. Here's numero uno. Whether or not I've worked hard enough is beside the point, but I did get that promotion and raise this year, so apparently I'm doing something right, don't you agree, big fella? Score one for the Rich-man. Then, there's the increased active rooting interest in my sports teams. Heck, the organizations ought to be paying me with all the time I'm investing in them. I could make the decisions for every one of them at this point. Not to mention my fantasy football team is winning this year, so I should get some extra credit for that. Back to the kids, now that they're reading a bit, I've got them reading Bible stories all by themselves. Even if I don't have time to answer their questions, something good's got to be rubbing off there... and they've always got Mom to help them out, so I think they're spiritually covered. Tons of credit should be coming my way for that as the spiritual leader of the house. My novel writing may have slackened, but even though I'm short-changing Ken in that regard, I'm also sticking it to myself. Plus, we've started this blog, so now I can positively affect others with my exemplary life. Like I said, it's been a bang-up year.

Which means we need to be getting down to business. It's that time again for a new car, and whereas wifeypoo says our next one that we get down the road needs to fit our lifestyle with kids, carpools, etc. how 'bout we hold off on that one just yet and go ahead with the Porsche? I've sorta been wanting that for a while, Claus, and somehow I haven't found it under my tree any of the past three years. It's high time. Then, the XBox 360's out, and there's a gift I can share. My kids already spend too much time watching TV, so this way as long as they have to watch, at least they can be interactive. If nothing else, I'm a solutions man. Cool, huh? Along with those, throw in another couple of authentic Dolphin jerseys, autographed of course -- this year, Ronnie Brown and Chris Chambers will do, but if I have to settle with Jason Taylor, so be it. The regular bunch of movies, CDs, candy, and games to go along with that new XBox are all good. If I think of anymore stuff, I'll certainly let you know.

Remember, we Pearces, we believe.

With all due respect to a man that looks like a red marshmallow and consorts with talking game,
Your biggest and # 1 fan!!!



DugALug said...

Dear Santa,

As my friend Rich, is writing to you. I too have prepared a list of things that I would like for Christmas.

Firstly, I would like peace on earth and goodwill towards our fellow man. This seems so distant in the times in which we live in. Please don't confuse the olive branch of peace with cowardice or the compromise of not standing for what we believe.

I am thankful for the liberties that my family and I enjoy on a daily basis. In this time of year, I am ever thankful for the troops who are protecting these virtues on foreign soils: in the remote, dusty corners of this world. Those who are willing to defend, not just my tranquility, but be the shield of the oppressed from malicious dictators and bearers of evil. Those who, in performing these functions, will be unable to come home and enjoy the freedoms that they are entrusted to guard with their loved ones and family.

Please allow our valiant troops, to leave these war-zones, with the honor, dignity and respect that they so deserve. And please let them know that we are humbled by their service and ever in debt for their bravery and dedication.

As a side note, could you also expose the hypocrisy of certain leaders who want our troops to leave a battlefield, without an exit strategy, or a criterion for the successful completion of the goals at hand? These men who second-guess our current position for political gain: putting our troops and countless civilians at risk.

Secondly, but not necessarily any less important. I would like the true meaning of Christmas to be broadly proclaimed. We know what side you are on, but many others have faltered in there resolution.

Please remind them that you are really Saint Nicholas, not some pudge-bellied redneck who takes the kudos for all the gifts and hard work that parents prepare for their children every year. There is no free agency with you or some collective bargaining agreement. You cannot be drafted by other religions, and you are not open to trades.

Remind us that there is even meaning in candy canes and the stars on the top of trees. Remind us that the point of the Little Drummer Boy is that there is a point to giving because of what God gave us first, through Christ. Please help them know that it is okay to say “Merry Christmas”, since we, as Christians, are celebrating the Lord’s birth. Please also let people know that it is fine to say “Happy Chanukah” or “Have a Joyous Quanza”, if that is what you celebrate, but wishing a Christmas blessing should be no more offensive than saying “God bless you!” when someone sneezes.

As far as my family, we are very thankful for our health, our new baby, and our happiness. I must admit that we don’t tell my daughters about you. My daughters are very good without the threat of loosing their Christmas booty. Besides, why should you get the credit for the gifts that my wife and I buy our kids?! I am sure you understand.

Santa, it hardly matters to me if you think that I am good. It matters tons to me if my wife and kids do and I think I am fairing pretty well in their eyes. Besides, redemption is not found through your eyes or hands, but with the person that you are representing.

So if you happen to be by the Joseph manor this Merry Christmas, please stop on by. My wife and I will gladly welcome you in. You can sit and rest your feet a spell. Don’t worry about bringing us gifts though because we have that covered. Our children will be taken care of, and my wife, aside from her taste in men, has been incredibly good this year. She too, has well-intentioned gifts under our tree.

Also know that all of the things mentioned above are already starting in our house. You see?! Peace must start in individual’s hearts and these hearts will begin to change the mindset of a nation. So Peace and Strength to you Santa, through Jesus, our deliverer who we receive on Christmas and throughout the coming year.

Love Always,
Douglas Joseph

P.S. We should have some good pies sitting around if you choose to visit.

DugALug said...


I think it is Porsche not 'Porche'


DugALug said...


I also meant 'their' not 'there' in the paragraph that starts with 'Secondly'.


Rich said...

I think it is Porsche not 'Porche'

I think you're correct. I'll edit that. Thanks, Doug.