Dear, Dear Me

I was going to start out with Mark Twain’s quote about his exaggerated demise, as it appears that this is the Standard Operating Procedure for returning bloggers after a lengthy hiatus as a lead-in to their plethora of excuses.

But after reviewing the recent history of the Realm, I decided that rather than apologize for my absence, I must instead take this opportunity to apologize for Rich’s presence. For the Realm has become a very depressing place, it seems. And I was dismayed to see that the polluted air caused by the smoldering fields of dead grass had already blotted out the sun.

While some of the somber mood can be attributed to the natural emotional letdown undoubtedly experienced by many of you who had grown accustomed to my poignancy and sterling wit, I’m afraid that the bulk of the blame must be laid squarely at the feet of Mr. Pearce. Or should I say, Mr. Gloomy Gus.

I am sure that many of you have been planning an Internet intervention. I only wish that things had not been allowed to deteriorate to this point. However, please don’t misunderstand. I’m not pointing fingers at you, the loyal readers. Heaven forbid. No, I poke the accusatory index digit with fervent repetition into the pasty puss of my well-intentioned, but clearly overwhelmed, fellow moderator.

For the leaves should not be responsible for making the wind blow. The echo should not be forced to begin the yodel. And though it only takes a spark to get the fire going, Kum-ba-yah is a different song entirely.

This is all to say… I’m sorry. Not for anything that I’ve done or not done, but sorry that a man with so very little to say, a man very much like Rich, has foisted his cry-for-help, his incessant nothingness, his diet web flatulence and self-loathings unchecked upon a readership that quite frankly deserves a tad bit better.

And I’ll make you this money-back guarantee. It may take time, lots of time, in fact you may not see tangible results in your lifetime, but my promise to you is unswerving. And I’ll see it through to the end. You have my word on this.

It’s good to be back.