Sunday, January 01, 2006

Is Steven Wright?

Since the Realm is also home to the bizarre, I thought I'd link some bizarre humor from one of my favorite comedians Steven Wright. My personal favorites are:

1) I just got a new microwave fireplace. You can sit by the fire all night in 30 seconds.
2) What if there were no hypothetical questions?
3) If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

Here are some others I found on a blog called Charming, Just Charming. But an even more exhaustive list is here. What are some of your favorite "Wrightisms?"

1. Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
3. I AM in shape. Round's a shape!
4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
5. Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
6. I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
7. Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you?But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
8. Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster is a maniac.
9. You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was
60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is.
10. The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise.
11. I have six locks on my door all in a row When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
12. The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three bestfriends. If they are okay, then it's you.
13. Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains; a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest
problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
14. I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's
such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I only have photographs of her.
15. A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."
16. Future historians will be able to study at the Gerald Ford Library; the Jimmy Carter Library; the Ronald Reagan Library and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

1 comment:

Scot said...

My favorites...

1)I bought some batteries, but the batteries were not included so I had to buy them again.
(The same thing happened to me this Christmas!)

2)I bought a map... it said "Actual Size: 1 mile = 1 mile"

3)I got a's a picture of my body..only taller.

I came up with one the other day myself in conversation (although this may be more Seinfeldesque than Steven Wright). A friend that is a graphic artist was designing an ad for the Better Business Bureau. My question was, "If they were not satisfied with her work, who would they call?" Well, at least I was amused with myself.